Instead of some charming poem or gushing thank you of, "You have always been there for me and held my hand through life's disappointments," all I could think of was, "Where were you when I needed you?"

I wanted to say something nice but couldn't hurdle the hurt. I wanted to actually mean the words but couldn't convince myself to believe them. Even though someone else wrote them, and thousands of other dads were probably getting the same card, I wanted mine to be genuine. Shrugging in surrender and feeling like a fraud, I finally settled on one that seemed "safe."

On the way home I thought about my difficulties with Father's Day and wondered if it was worth it to send a card when nothing seemed to work. Mentally chiding myself for an obviously bad attitude, I prayed that God would show me how to gracefully and honorably approach my dad despite a mountain of hurt standing between us.

As I drove, I realized an interesting paradox exists. I believe we are divinely drawn to our fathers because they represent a piece of a puzzle meant to illustrate a small fragment of how God desires to interact with us. On the other hand, though, we can be deeply hurt by that fact as well. God designed fathers to fill a special and specific role in the lives of their children. He appointed them to be tangible representations of His faithfulness and physical demonstrations of His protection. Our souls were created to trust and embrace our dads, partly because we were meant to do likewise with God. That is why their absence can cause some of the deepest pain we could know on this side of heaven.

Although it's not hard to spot the effects of heartache and confusion caused when fathers are lacking or uninvolved, I believe God knows about it and graciously accounts for it. The fact is, each one of our fathers is a gift from God. This is why, despite a decade of a tattered and strained relationship, I still desperately love my dad and urgently yearn for his active presence in my life.

Our fathers are pieces of heavenly provision and portraits of God's divine intention. They are human and they are imperfect, but they are children of God and covered by His abundant grace. As I have gotten older, I have realized that the weight of the world is heavy and hard. I don't know and can't ever truly understand the shoes my dad has to fill. I can't comprehend the intimate internal struggles he faces, and I can't see behind the scenes of why he does what he does. I do know that God is aware of it, and that He stands ready and willing to bridge the gap between us. Though I may not understand the complicated spectrum of what makes my dad tick, I do know that his role in God's plan for my life is irreplaceable. My status as his daughter was thought out long before either one of us existed.

With that said, my relationship with my dad has actually taught me many things. The deep drive I have toward the protection and intimacy of God's heart is partly because I am longing for that with my earthy father. When I am devastated because he doesn't seem to care, I can still be eternally grateful that he is the man God gave me for a dad. I am learning the importance of grace, compassion, and patience and am thankful for every act of involvement he offers. I am beginning to see that God is showing me how to honor my dad by praying for him, welcoming him when he attempts to communicate, and continually forgiving him when he doesn't. I am also learning my own need for constant forgiveness, and am given the opportunity to practice unconditional love, respect, and faith. When I feel like my dad has forgotten me, I am reminded that my heavenly Father hasn't. When I am hurt and confused by the immediate situation, I can trust that God sees the bigger picture. And, when I cling to the faithfulness of God, I find hope for the restoration I long to see someday.

So, no matter how long it takes, or how many times I come face to face with a stack of greeting cards that seem beyond reach, I can praise God for his role in my life, and petition Him to restore my relationship with the man He gave me for a dad.

Kara is a freelance writer living in Boise, Idaho. She is a mentor for high school and college-aged girls, and she and her husband both share a passion for singles ministry. She is a writing student in the Jerry B. Jenkins Christian Writers Guild, and her articles have appeared on Michael Smalley's Crashintolove website, The Lookout, Treasure Valley Christian News, and Gobigtoday.com.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, so bogged down with difficulty and lacking the relational intimacy that came so easily while they were dating. They were stunned. And on the fast track to becoming a shocking statistic: one-third of all American marriages end in divorce before the fifth anniversary.

Why is that number so high? Couples in trouble tend to think there are only two options—get divorced or be miserable for the rest of their lives. Thankfully that's a false choice. There's a lesser known stat that shows a third option, one that is far better than those two: among married couples that were on the brink of divorce, those that stuck it out and stayed married were happier five years later, than those that went through with the divorce.

According to the American Values survey, "Does Divorce Make People Happy," the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds. Those couples who rated their marriages as very unhappy, eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

As conditioned by culture as we are, we often think that when a marriage is down, the only course is to throw in the towel. But the people in this study show the opposite is true. Those who stick it out are happier than those who give up.

Is it possible to avoid getting to that very low spot? Often it is. Not every couple experiences it. But when it does hit, that shell-shocked feeling tends to come from our own unrealistic expectations of what marriage will be like. Instead of turning to Scripture for our cues about the sacrificial love and respect required when two fallen people vow to spend the rest of their lives together, whatever may come (Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, 1 Corinthians 7:28, James 3:2), we get sucked into thinking what we see on TV and film—the effortless fantasy—is reality.

This isn't to say marriage is all hard work and disappointment. But it is a crucible God uses to make us more like Him. It's a soul-shaping adventure that flourishes when both husband and wife lay down their lives for the other. As Jesus warned us, trouble is inevitable. Thankfully, divorce isn't. Nor is a duct-taped relationship barely making it the best we can hope for. When divorce isn't an option, couples live out their commitment differently. More intensely and intentionally. And it's there, in the living out of marital vows, that fulfillment and happiness can be found.

Candice is the author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen, founder of Boundless.org, and editor-at-large of MarryWell.org. She and her husband Steve co-authored Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies. They have four children.

We looked at each other and I knew the silence on the other end of the phone was the answer. My chest tightened and I could feel my cheeks flush. The pressure behind my eyes threatened to pound a crack into the dam holding back my pooling tears.

Jim looked at me with apology written on his face, and as he continued to plead with my dad, I slipped away. I went to my room and curled into a ball on the bed. The tears came. Quick and hot. "God!" I cried out. "What do I do? How could something so beautiful and blessed turn into something so painful and raw?" I buried my face farther into the pillow and wrapped my arms around my knees. I could feel my heart thudding into the mattress as a warm peace trickled through my body.

A calm, gentle voice whispered, "I will walk with you. I will hold your hand, and I will not disappoint you. I have made this man for you, and I will give you to him on your wedding day. Trust me and hold tightly to my promises."

Isaiah 41:10 lingered across my mind: "Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

As my tears subsided and my heartbeat slowed, a blanket of hope spread over me. I knew God was for me, and I could rest in the fact He had seen my heartache.

One month later we arrived in Florida and scoped out a tiny, secluded beach where we could hold the ceremony. We had tried to take out any need for an aisle, and though I was incredibly excited, I begged God to protect my heart from the pain of not having my dad involved.

The next day, I stepped out of the car in my white dress and flip flops and started to make my way towards the sand where my groom was waiting. I hadn't noticed it the day before, but a long boardwalk stood between the parking lot and the beach. My heart was racing with anticipation and I stepped onto the wood paneling. Suddenly, the quiet voice came back. "Do you feel me here with you? This is your aisle, and I am walking with you, just as I promised. I am proud of you, and I will give you the strength to be the wife you need to be." My pace slowed, and my head dipped in awe. Jesus had kept His promises in such an intimately flawless way. Even when I tried to guard my own heart, He stepped in, took my hand, and spoke the words I desperately longed to hear. 

Jim and I stood barefoot, facing each other in front of a few witnesses. We exchanged vows and publicly praised God for the blessings we had found in each other. We danced in the shadows of the fading sun, and as the brilliance of the sunset panned across my husband's face, I realized more had changed that day than I thought. 

It wasn't just about the wedding, or the fact I had been joined to the man of my dreams. God had held my hand through it all. He had walked me through the disappointment and pain, and had replaced my shattered hope with a heart full of joy. Psalm 23:2-3 says, "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." That day, He led me down to the water's edge and restored my soul. He meticulously stitched my heart into the framework of the man who took my hand from His own, and showed me He would strengthen me, heal me and uphold me, because He was always with me.

Unfortunately today, the pattern of absent fathers is not a dwindling issue. In fact, I am afraid that more and more precious brides will be faced with the same dilemma I was. If another man is not available to walk with you on your special day; a man whom you know, trust, and has adequate stand-in qualities, pray about it and ask God for His help. Although not having my father involved was difficult and painful, I wouldn't have changed the outcome for the world. It is true that no one can take the place of our earthly dads better than an all-loving, all-encouraging, and all-healing Heavenly Father.

Kara is a freelance writer living in Boise, Idaho. She is a mentor for high school and college aged girls, and she and her husband both share a passion for singles ministry. She is a writing student in the Jerry B. Jenkins Christian Writers Guild, and her articles have appeared on Michael Smalley's Crashintolove website, The Lookout, Treasure Valley Christian News, and Gobigtoday.com.

I had always heard the first year of marriage was supposed to be the most difficult. The blending of two lives during that tender year was not easy, I was told; but being naive and in love, those words went in one ear and out the other. When our first year of marriage was rounding up, I thought back on how easy "the most difficult year" was for us—not anything like I was told. We enjoyed being together every second we could and conflicts were nowhere to be found. The first year, a difficult one? I couldn't make out what others were talking about. I guess our love must be stronger than most couples in their first year, I began to think.

With our first successful year tucked under our belt, we were just as eager to take on our second year with the same love and zeal as our first.

CHANGE WILL COME

I'm not sure exactly when things began to change, but not long into our second year, our perfect marriage didn't feel so perfect anymore. Valentine's Day was supposed to be the day we celebrated our love for each other. The fact that my dear husband forgot about such a special day didn't sit well with me at all. After confronting him, he sprinted to our local grocery store, and with all the thoughtfulness he could possibly muster in such a short amount of time, he brought back a tiny stuffed toy and a box of cheap chocolates—not exactly what I had in mind for a romantic evening together. Then there was the time James came home after a long day at work to find our house in total chaos with my three nieces running around like monkeys. I personally didn't see the problem; I enjoyed the noise and excitement, but by the look on his face I could see he disagreed. These weren't the only incidents that pushed our buttons. What were once small annoyances seemed to grow into big ones. Things had definitely changed. No one ever warned me about the second year of marriage, I pouted.

STAYING FAITHFUL TO YOUR COMMITMENT

Despite our share of fights, frustrations and those, yes I'm going to say it, "What was I thinking when I married this person?" occasions, we have celebrated six and a half challenging and yet still happy years of marriage together. During those moments when we let each other down or didn't meet one another's expectations, what we have learned is the importance behind the commitment we vowed to each other on our wedding day— despite how we "feel" at the moment.

Now a day it seems marriage has lost its sacredness. Sadly, it's not always guarded as precious to those that find it.

When I think back to the six weeks of pre-marital counseling we took with our pastor, I really cannot think back to one specific lesson that encouraged us to get through the tough times we have faced. I heard a little about finances, a bit more about sex and a whole lot about future goals. The not-so-pleasant areas of marriage were never touched upon, and obviously any advice on getting through them was nowhere to be found.

In our society, we have unfortunately come to believe that when we are upset, disappointed, or let down by our partner, it's time to call it quits. Momentary unhappiness has become grounds for divorce for many couples. Working through conflicts isn't worth it anymore, so finding "their own happiness" apart from their spouse then becomes the focus. Our marriage vows, which are meant to be an unconditional "promise, oath, declaration" to both our spouse and God, become pearls cast before swine.

No one said marriage would be easy. In fact, marriage is pretty hard at times. It's during the difficult times that we have a decision to make. Will we grow apart? Or will we grow closer to each other? We are told that love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7, NKJV). Love for our spouse should be enduring. Our actions, during the hard times, are a reflection of the depths of our love for our spouse as well as our commitment to God's Word. Our goal, as a couple, should be to get through all the difficulties we face—no matter the cost!

Marriage has been twisted, complicated, and devalued through the ages. In the face of a generation that fails to recognize God's value on marriage, we can easily miss it ourselves. Marriage was orchestrated—by our Creator—long ago to be a beautiful, lifelong commitment between a man and a woman for the purpose of companionship as well as a means for sexual expression.

The purpose of marriage is not for the other person to make you feel "wonderful" at all times, yet more importantly, it's about giving respect, love, and commitment to the one we chose to spend all the days of our life with.

Naomi Cassata has been married to her husband James for 6 years. They live in Florida. She has been writing articles for about 5 years.

Most soon-to-be's get lots of advice from many different people. There's the pre-marital stuff that tries to get the nuts and bolts of relationships. Then you get the surly, salty "advice" about how relationships "really work" from the couple who've been married for twenty years...somehow. On the wedding day, the preacher usually tries to make sure the couple knows marriages are "hard work." Then you get a bit of intoxicated sagely advice from the best man at the reception.
And yet, for all the wise counsel, it is inevitable that newlyweds will still find surprises. So today, I'm busting four big marriage myths. You, or your kids, or your best friend need to hear this before walking down the aisle. Maybe we should've made counseling a priority. You decide...

Four Huge Marriage Myths

Myth #1: Slumber Parties

Many newlyweds, intoxicated by delirious visions of romantic comedies and mattress commercials, eagerly run to bed like two children in their PJs on the night before Christmas, to blissfully fall into each others' arms and drift away to sleep, cradled in gentle embrace . . . only to find out that this is one of the biggest lies the world has told them. Sleeping isn't a team sport.

Sleeping is an activity best done alone. This will come as a terrible shock to many young newlyweds. They will attempt to defy the laws of nature and contort themselves in unnatural ways into some comfortable position in which to sleep right next to one another. Of course, if they are successful at actually falling asleep, they will awaken to the feeling that their limbs have been forcibly removed due the lack of blood circulation. Thus, they will feel betrayed and insecure about their prowess in bed.

This myth needs to be brought out in pre-marital counseling. Fiances need to understand that they are not marrying new pillows. They are marrying people made of arms and elbows and other sharp points, which produce intolerable amounts of heat, and are heavily insulated under piles of blankets.
If you want to snuggle with something cuddly, try a bag of power tools.

Myth #2: Gang Showers
Around Christmas, my wife and I were gathered with three other couples, married four years (us), three years, one year, and six months. We're all longtime friends. All of a sudden, one of the girls poses a question for the rest of us to consider:
"Does anyone really take showers together?"
There was a hint of disappointment in her voice. The rest of us thought a moment. I spoke up and said, "No. It doesn't work."
Everyone, relieved that someone else had spoken up first, agreed. Somehow, probably through Herbal Essence commercials, we had all gotten it into our newlywed heads that this would be just a terrific idea. (I think this is one of those things that is tame enough for the Christian marriage books to suggest.) And for everyone, it was epic fail. And then, everyone seemed to think that they were alone in their shame. The idea that two adults will be able to share a shower is a terrible myth that fiances need to come to grips with.
Here's why: Guys, it is in a woman's low-temperature nature to hog all the hot water and not leave any for you. Sharing baths is likely an activity you last did with a sibling when you were in kindergarten. It's best that way.

Myth #3: "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" is a Good Movie
This should be self-evident, but apparently, it needs to be said.

Myth #4: Best Day Ever
Most eager fiances are certain that their wedding day will be the "best day ever." That's why people spend tons of Dad's cash and stuff themselves into uncomfortable dresses and dance like crazy: because it's the "best day ever," and you've never been more in love than on this day! Yeah! That's pretty much the premise of shows like Bridezillas: girls who are convinced that their "best day ever" is being ruined. But then, they aren't interested in being married, they're interested in having a wedding.

Sure, weddings are great. But if your wedding day is the best day of your marriage, then you have nothing to look forward to.

My wife and I were really blessed by something one of her friends wrote to us. She said, "May your wedding day be the day you love each other the least." It took a bit for that to sink in for us.

When I look at two geriatrics in a nursing home, hunched over on walkers together, who've been married for 80 years, I am convinced that I don't know the first thing about love.

Matt is a teacher and pastor in Kansas City, MO. He is also the co-founder of SaveAfrica.com, a missionary endeavor in Sudan. He blogs at TheChurchofNoPeople.com, and lives with his wife, Cheri.

Copyright 2010 Matt Appling. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

I grew up in the south, where "chivalry" rules all relationships. I don't simply mean that men act as gentlemen—the Southern Chivalry teaches men act as gentlemen because women are incapable of taking care of themselves, let alone contributing anything to a relationship. I found that women were seen as the submissive member of the relationship. The men make all of the decisions. The men decide when a relationship starts, what happens in the relationship, and seem to dictate where the relationship is going. Women who make any kind of move are seen as loose and inappropriate. I have watched women give up their hopes and dreams for their husbands. They give up everything to be married.

I'm not talking about the marriages with "traditional" gender roles. Many healthy relationships have the man as the breadwinner and the woman sitting at home, contributing to the relationship by keeping the house her husband provides. I don't have a problem with homemakers at all. If that is what you want to do, then go ahead and do it. There isn't a problem with that. I am talking about women in my life who have repeatedly given up their dreams for their husbands until not only do they see themselves as a little less than human—their husbands come to adopt the same view.

On the other hand, I have known women who value themselves entirely over their husbands. They treat their husbands like they are little kids incapable of accomplishing anything. Men are seen as children and women are seen as the responsible ones. This seems to be the view growing in popularity in our culture. Almost all relationship on TV work this way—the women have an extra child in their home and call him "husband." If someone makes a stupid mistake, it's the man, and it's up to the woman to find time between her two jobs, taking care of her kids, and doing all the housework to fix the problem.

I think both sides are wrong. We are called to submit to one another in love. That means both submit to each other. It is a relationship of equality. We should value one another's dreams as much as the other person. While I don't mind having a door held for me, why can't I in love hold the door for another? If we as a church truly believe in equality, then we need to have that in our relationships.

Stephanie Malcolm lives in Mission, Kansas with her husband Steve. Together, they attend the Nazarene Theological Seminary.

I always understood “submission” to mean that you do what your man says, no questions asked. I pictured an Ozzy and Harriet situation where the man comes home from work and the woman has dinner hot on the table, her best outfit on and her hair up, looking chipper. The man proceeds to pay little attention to her, and she continues to shower him with love and affection while he barks out demands. This was simply not what either of us wanted for our marriage.

However, I slowly began to notice that my strong will and incessant need to push my agenda began to deflate my husband. He wanted to lead, but I wasn’t letting him—and then I was nagging him for not being a leader. If I trusted him and believed that he would make the best decisions for our life and future, would it be so hard for me to just give a little? I came to realize that when I didn’t empower my husband to make decisions and show that I trusted him to do it, his confidence level stooped very low.

I first had to come to the conclusion that I really trusted him and knew that he would make right choices. And the more I allowed him to have a little room in our decisions, the more understanding, loving, and strong he became. I never realized the amazing power that women have to build their husbands up without being torn down themselves. I came to realize that “submission” was nothing that I had originally thought. It was a beautiful concept that brought out the best in both of us and allowed us to grow in love and trust. It wasn’t about me laying down and being a doormat. It was about allowing my husband to lead in a way that brought blessing on our marriage and revealed the amazing potential in both of us.

So these days, I do make my husband dinner when he gets home, when I can. I love to serve him—because he deserves it, not because he expects me to. We are definitely not the Ozzy and Harriet type, but I am grateful for what we have learned about God’s vision for marriage and what a beautiful thing it can be when we both let down our pride.

For an instant, you wonder if it's her radiance that has captivated your spiritual brethren. A nano-second later, you realize their stares are actually "snares" and for one single reason: your girlfriend—and fellow Christian—is Black.

From Jews and Gentiles to Africans and Europeans, multicultural churches have long been embraced, century-old social barriers breaking down amongst believers now more than ever. But what about interracial dating and marriages within the church? What are some of the difficulties and controversial clashes of Hispanics, Blacks, Asians, Middle Easterners, and other nationalities that have romantically crossed over before His cross?

“Obviously in church, no one’s ever gonna come out and share about their being prejudiced of you and your spouse, but their actions are blaring,” says Clay Harris, an African-American Christian man married to a Caucasian. “I’ve had people in church say to my wife before and after we got married, ‘How could you hook up with that guy?’ or tell us ‘I love you’ and ‘We’re here for you’ a bunch of times, and not ever be there.” 

In a place where ethnic acceptance should be the norm, tension can still stir for many interracial couples within God’s kingdom, bombarded and betrayed by church brethren over factors far deeper than the average congregational concerns. Pitted against issues involving tradition, belief, ideals, customs, countries, culture, creed, family, and fear, the Son’s ethnic "rainbow" of romance lacks luster when racially integrated Christians are loathed—not loved—by both the world and fellow followers. 

You Would Think
There are more than 2 million interracial marriages in the U.S. today, accounting for about 5 percent of the total, couples who must ask themselves, “Are we prepared for the comments and criticisms we may face as an interracial family?” “Do we have the capacity and creativity to merge two cultures?” “Can we be secure in raising biracial kids?”

But should these questions be posed for cross-cultured Christians in the church? If we who are in Christ are all indeed “red,” as the mantra often goes, then why are there not more racially mixed couples in our fellowships? While it’s unlikely we’ll ever see car ads or soap commercials with interracial families as the norm, why don’t the majority of gospel tracts or Sunday School walls contain pictures of intermixed couples and their children?

From Hispanics dating Persians to Asians marrying Hessians amongst God’s flock, the following article is an inside look at today's racially mixed Christian couples, their challenges inside and outside the church, and the reasons behind most of these difficulties. We will explore both legitimate and illegitimate reasons as to why interracial relationships are not traditionally commonplace amongst even believers and will provide testimonials of cultural clashes brought on by kingdom kin who don’t always sing, “… they are precious in His sight.”

Family Outreach
In following The Great Commission, any disciple of Christ who has helped convert a father, brother, son, or nephew can speak volumes of the joys of bringing a family member to God. However, in the minds of many Christians, family outreach depends heavily on one’s spouse or girlfriend. Cultural differences, language barriers, and/or just plain prejudice that an unsaved relative may harbor can cloud and shroud their desire to know a spouse of different origin, thus hindering a couple’s goal to help their family know Christ.

“The main reason I wish to marry someone in my own race is that it would be easier to reach out to members of my family who are not Christians,” says Rod Pincaro, a Filipino Christian single. “In my culture, a certain clique is built amongst the people, and it would be difficult for my future spouse to relate if she is not Filipino.”

Added Persecution
Persecution for faith in Jesus is inevitable (2 Timothy 3:12). Let’s face it—the mere mention of His name can really bring out the ugliness in people. And for followers already struggling with the daily challenges of self denial, an interracial relationship can be an extra meatloaf on a Christian’s plate of problems.  

“The minute I first told my parents I was marrying a Latino, all I got from them was, ‘You’re irresponsible and selfish,’” comments Jheni Solis, a Korean Christian woman. “Mixed minority relationships pose more unique challenges than others. Strong and sometimes very opposite cultures trying to merge, such as Latinos and Asians, can cause heavy friction between families. I feel blessed to have married into an Americanized family (my husband being fourth-generation Mexican) who accept me as I am.”

Curtis Reed, a Christian who is part Caucasian and African American and married to a Latina, tells of an incident during his singlehood. “When a fellow Christian, who happened to be Mexican, invited me to her birthday party as a date, I noticed that her dad kept staring at me,” says Reed. “He was a tad drunk and finally said to his daughter, ‘He better be Puerto Rican—not no ni---r.’”  
   
Interracial Children
Another reason some Christians choose to opt out in cross-culture relationships is because of the hardships it may play on their children. Kids with mixed backgrounds are like sheep amongst wolves when around peers, adolescent cruelty unbearable for any Christian parent who faces enough challenges with the spiritual battle. Harris tells of problems he foresees in raising his half White, half Black 3-year-old son.

“In our society, it’s very easy for minorities to try and fit in with the majority and hide who they are inside because of the racial stigmatism that’s out there,” says Harris. “Because of this, my selfish, sinful nature automatically wants my son to hang out with only people of color. However, as a Christian, there’s a balance that can and must be forged, where my son can feel comfortable and be able to relate to Black people, and at the same time respect other races as well.”

Church Status
Deleon Aramour, a Black man, recalls his early days of being a Christian when attending leadership classes of his church to become a minister. These classes contained some of the most bizarre statements on race and marriage he has ever heard.

“Our lead evangelist at the time, who was conducting the classes, told us that if we were to be effective in full-time ministry, each of us needed to date and marry someone from our own race,” says Aramour. “To the ministry staff, it was a more ‘attractive’ and ‘effective outreach’ to the non-Christian.”  

Aramour also testifies to an encounter he had in his church when attempting to court and date a Christian Latina. “[My interest] was very active in the Latin Ministry of our church, and her and I had been building a friendship for six to seven months. One day, I got a call from her ministry leader (a Latino married to a Caucasian). He basically told me that they didn’t want me dating a woman from their ministry because there would be no way for us to ever be on a mission team together. It was Solo La Rasa, as he put it.”
  
Upbringing
A good percentage of us are indebted to our parents for sculpting and carving us into the people we are today. But whether good or bad, the seeds of parental influence can be difficult to uproot. 

“A lot of Christians today have parents who lived through times like the 60s and the Civil Rights movement,” says Steve Burkulis, a Caucasian Christian currently engaged to a Black woman. “In many of these cases, sadly, these parents can pass on to their children negativity toward certain races.”

Jay Minor, a minister of a multicultural church in Los Angeles, speaks of another childhood influence parallel to our parents’.

“Many churches are quite racially segregated because of tradition and generations of personal preference,” says Minor.  “Those who have grown up in churches like these and come from a long line of Christian families are more likely to object to interracial marriage, as opposed to people who have recently been converted.”

Old Remnants
Though a new creation, certain habits from a Christian’s “B.C. days” can resurface. For some, this can entail a personal preference in race when choosing a mate, be it harmless or harmful. “Before becoming a Christian, 90 percent of my guy preference was Whites,” says Keesha Bunche, an African American Christian woman engaged to a Caucasian. “I guess you can compare it to why some people prefer apples over oranges—both taste good, but for some people, there are things that are a little more exciting than others. I admit, my past preference might have influence on my choices today, but it’s ultimately based on a man’s spirituality.

“Unfortunately, other Christians with past racial preferences can drag other things into their Christian life, such as prejudice and ‘hang ups’ toward other races, and overlook what’s really important—a person’s love for God.”

Conclusion
Joseph’s “CEO” package included the daughter of an Egyptian priest. Moses married Zipporah, daughter of Jethro the Midianite. Boaz took great joy in his Moabite bride, Ruth, our Savior’s mixed lineage. Queen Esther’s intermarriage with King Xerxes (which forestalled the annihilation of the Jewish people) was also unique. And although intermarriage is not specifically mentioned, Paul and Peter’s writings affirm that all Christians—regardless of race—are bound together as one holy people of God. The only example of our Lord’s disapproval of intermarriage was/is if a believer was/is “unequally yoked” with a non-believer.

Is it wrong, therefore, for Christians to prefer mates of the same race to preserve culture, promote outreach, or simply fulfill a personal desire? Not at all. But if we can eliminate most of the negative, stereotypical reasons for not having more mixed couples in the church, our radical union with the One who broke barriers to be with us would be all the more colorfully displayed.


About the author: Michael Lizarraga is a Los Angeles-based freelance writer and follower of Christ. His work can also be found in martial arts, cultural and faith-based publications.