And so I watched...

My mother is one of the most patient and loving people I know. She is kind to her core and loves without reason. She taught me what it means to be a woman, how to love, nurture, help, and appreciate. My father is one of the strongest and most hardworking men I know. He is tough and determined, but compassionate as well. It was he who taught me my worth as woman, that I should have expectations and goals, that I should settle for nothing but the best and if I wanted something, to go get it.

My parents, unlike the majority of first-time married couples today, are not divorced. They met at a young age in high school and were married before graduating; they are still together 21 years later. They worked through many rough patches throughout the years, struggling as newlyweds and young parents raising three children. They were pushed past their limits and dug their way out of trouble just like everybody else.

However, there were a few times during the "rough patches" that I was sure the rocky boat that was their marriage would tip and sink, tearing into the perfectly beautiful and untouchable realm of my childhood, which I shared with my younger brother and sister. And it was also during these times of adversity that I learned the most from my parents, because instead of throwing in the towel and calling it quits, they dumped their heartache and fears at the feet of the Father. My parents' marriage was by no means perfect, but it was something that I admired them for and wanted for myself one day.

It's hard to image myself with 2 children at the age of 20 (my current age, and an impossibility in my mind), but that's exactly what life was like for my parents. And although I admit my immaturity as a young adult and recognize how unprepared I am for this stage in my life, I find myself with a desire for what they shared, and still share to this day. I long for love and companionship and a family, but most of all I long for God to work in my marriage the way He did with my mom and dad. I want the shared responsibility and camaraderie of serving the Lord and making a difference for the kingdom together.

Seeing the devotion and dedication my parents put into their marriage sobered me quickly as a teenager when it came to dating, and therefore I removed myself from the dating scene. I waited patiently, promising that I would only allow myself to date when I started college, to ensure a more mature level and clearer view of what it meant to "date." But all the while I would find myself getting lonely, so this is when I decided to start writing letters to my future husband. Each time I write a letter, I pray to God first, asking Him to give me a reflective attitude and open heart like my parents so that one day I can give my letters to the man I haven't met.

Courtney Moore is a 20 year old Pensacola, Florida native seeking God's will as a Teacher Education major and is a sophomore at the Free Will Baptist Bible College.

Those are honest questions. But what about the proverbial "other hand?"

Why is the make-out master (guy or girl) never satisfied? Why is it the one-night stand never works? If sexual freedom and sexual expression are so great, then why do feelings of emptiness, shame, and sadness often follow these sexual adventures?

Could it be we, both male and female, are as deeply wired for intimacy and connection as we are wired for sexual activity? The answer is—yes.

Thus, the problem with casual sex; it negates intimacy. The experience, whether a make-out session or intercourse, is all about personal gratification. What can I get out of this? How good can you make me feel? How well can I perform? How well can I turn you on? What can I conquer? I. Me. My. Self—ish.

On the surface, this sounds great—getting something that feels good for free, i.e. without any commitment to or investment in the other person. Yet, reality promises a much higher price tag. What's the cost?

Cha-Ching

When people participate in selfish sexual experiences, getting what they want—orgasm, endorphins, validation, etc.—with little or no concern for the other person, immediate pains are felt, such as guilt, remorse, self-hate, and even "that wasn't everything I hoped for." The ripple effect isn't pretty either. For the one-timer and the serial seductor, the nasty presence of rumor and reputation soon arrives. Maybe he or she can handle it now, like water rolling off the duck; but what about in a few months or years when he or she is looking for that job, that role in the church, or that place in the community? Will that racy reputation disappear?

Such sexual trysts also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually chip away at a person. Because every person longs for and needs intimacy (i.e. total acceptance, respect, commitment, and unconditional love), a person involved in pre- and extra-marital sex must disengage to cope with the experience and the emotions arising from selfish behavior. Repeating this behavior over and over then hinders that person's mental, emotional, and spiritual growth.

Put two-and-two together and you see how this will affect a person's future ability—whether actual or perceived—to enter into and maintain a solid, healthy romantic relationship. When wedding bells come along, it will be much more difficult to learn to be a selfless lover when that person's sexual experiences are built upon the foundation of selfish sex. (Note: The key phrase is more difficult, not impossible!)

And let's not forget the pains and struggles of raising a child with two people who are not only unwed, but don't even truly care for one another. What am I saying? That won't happen to you either.

The Ultimate Lover

The one-night stand lacks humility and selflessness. Love—whether it be in the bedroom or not—is only truly experienced when selfishness is out of the equation. The Bible tells us real love involves sacrifice, meaning you place another's well-being above your own; your actions are first for your beloved's good. Love is unconditional, offering care, acceptance, and forgiveness willingly. Love is patient, kind, humble, and unselfish (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and 1 John 3:18).

Remember Christ? He gave His body, His life for the Church (John 3:16, Romans 5:8, and Philippians 2:1-11). That act brings her security. The same is true in life. The commitment of marriage (God's arena for sexual activity) and the partners acting upon that commitment bring the best satisfaction, both in the bedroom and beyond.

In fact, God's gift of sex, His intention for sex, is to paint a picture of His love and intimacy for His people. The husband gives life; the wife receives life and gives birth to another life. Intercourse for a man symbolizes his willingness to know her—her thoughts, dreams, talents, desires, hurts, fears, all of her. Intercourse for a woman symbolizes her acceptance of him for everything he is. Union. Intimacy. Godly love. Love the way it was meant to be.

If you are settling for anything less than this, you are missing out. Casual sexual experiences cheapen and lessen the gift sex is meant to be. The minuscule pleasure of pre- and extra-marital sex pales in comparison to committed, unconditional, and selfless love. Stop wasting your heart on empty rendezvous and selfish desires. Prepare yourself for your spouse; learn to live unselfishly. Mimic Christ's love for His bride. Isn't that what you want in a mate?

Emily White Youree is a freelancer from Fort Worth. Her 10+ years' experience in publishing means she's crazy about grammar books, Scrabble, and crosswords. Thankfully, she cannot knit and has no cats.

What We Learned About Relationships As Teenagers

Teen dating seems like a normal part of our adolescent years; despite the fact, it is fleeting and, most of all, lacks commitment. In youth group, I learned two things you need before entering a relationship: (1) Only date someone who is likeminded in my Christian beliefs based on 2 Corinthians 6:14 about not being "unequally yoked," and (2) Don't have sex before marriage. As long as you followed those rules, you had the makings of a God-ordained relationship, so I was taught. I'm not saying these are bad principles to live by. How can they, when they are Bible-based?

The thing that bothers me is we never heard about the heartbreak that happens after the relationship ends or dealing with the rejection that looms over us afterwards. The matter of the fact is, minus a very small percentage, the majority of teen relationships just don't last—and rightly so; they aren't meant to. Most teens go into relationships with innocent intentions. The guy or girl is cute or they like his or her personality. Having someone to eat lunch with or go to the prom with is usually the extent of the commitment. For junior high and senior high students, marriage is far from the brain.    

My best friend in high school had a boyfriend for a couple of months, whom she broke up with because she found her "true love" elsewhere. Due to immaturity on both their parts, this relationship also ended a few months later.

If I could influence the life of a young person, I wouldn't coach him or her on how to find the right guy or girl, but instead I would ask, "Are you ready to pursue godly marriage?" If they were completely honest, ninety-nine percent of the time, the answer would be an absolute "No!"

The Sole Purpose of Relationships

In my younger days, I used to think the purpose of dating was for "fun and excitement." I mean, who wants to be home every weekend, all alone, watching reruns of Full House? Not I! Consequently, this type of thinking can often be found in those that have no intentions for committing themselves to another in order to lead into marriage. Instead, dating is merely a socially entertaining (often with physical benefits) type of relationship. And the best part, there are "no strings attached." When that relationship gets dull, they quickly move on to someone who reignites all those feelings in them once again. 

Passing through my college years and upper 20s, I've seen my share of the "teen dating" mindset between couples. You've seen them, or maybe you have been a victim of them yourself. One member is generally not willing to fully commit to the other; she wants the cake, but isn't willing to pay for it. They can be compared to someone browsing the delicious delicacies at the local bakery: chocolate éclairs, jam-filled donuts, moist chocolate cake all in a row. They all look wonderful and delicious with too many to choose from. Sitting down to take a bite out of one, and then not willing to pay for it, is like the person who wants the taste, enjoyment, and satisfaction of the moment but without the commitment to pay for it. Once they finish with one item and the enjoyment is gone, they move on to the next item that will bring them enjoyment. In the end, someone's heart always ends up broken, and the glory of the relationship goes to someone other than God.

The sole purpose of entering a relationship is to lead up to marriage. If you're not ready spiritually, emotionally, or financially, you are wasting your time.

The Bible has a lot to say about love relationships, but it is geared toward marriage covenant relationships. Why? Because that's the way God intended relationships to be from the beginning—long-lasting and enduring. A mutual commitment, through marriage, is God's way of sealing a love relationship between a man and woman. Marriage relationships are meant to be lifelong commitments; therefore, throughout Scripture we are reminded of how to be faithful to that covenant. (Paul exhorts married couples in 1 Corinthians 7:10 to stay faithful to their vows; Hebrews 13:4 reminds the reader that the marriage bed is pure; and Ephesians 5:22-23 talks about husbands and wives walking in respect and love toward each other.) 

Dating multiple people for fun is a concept that is nowhere found in the Bible. In the book of Genesis, Chapter 2, we can take a peek at the first God-ordained love relationship. It gives us God's view on a man and woman coming together. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (verse 24). The point brought out here is for one man to be united with one woman and the two to become one flesh. This scripture leaves no room for seeking out multiple partners for short-term pleasure.

Seeking out short-term relationships for "our pleasure only," with no further intentions, will always end in broken promises and broken hearts, which is nothing different from our teenage days. No, marriage minded relationships aren't fool proof, and not all will end with "Happily Ever After." But when commitment is present, there is a greater chance of success in moving toward marriage.   

If you are marriage-minded material, finding someone who is mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and financially ready for marriage should be the thing to consider.

Naomi Cassata has been married to her husband James for 6 years. They live in Florida. She has been writing articles for about 5 years.

It's not the presence of past sin that is a deal-breaker, but how it was and is being dealt with. In Psalm 25:6-8, David prayed, "Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord."

Did your boyfriend have sex before he became a believer; or if after, has he grieved the harm of his disobedience and turned away from it? Such are the marks of the kind of repentance David modeled. Not just feeling sorry for sin, but running away from it (1 Corinthians 6:17-19, 10:12-14). And not just running away from opportunities for sexual sin, but also getting help from other, more mature believers. Neither of you should be going it alone.

Second Timothy 2:2 says, "Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart" (emphasis added). This Scripture holds the key to freedom from past sin: flee, and seek out pastors, parents and mentors who have pure hearts and are willing to do the hard work of walking with you—both the one who sinned sexually, and the one who is hurt by the sin.

James reminds us "We all stumble in many ways" 3:2. What matters is how we deal with sin. What is his conduct now? Is it marked by the self-control that is evidence of the Holy Spirit's presence in his life, or is he pressuring you to have sex? That would be a red flag worthy of ending the relationship.

If you've discovered past sexual sin, ask, is he/she pursuing Christ; repentant; running from past sin, including setting up safeguards for future temptation? What evidence is there of Christ's redemption and transformation?

If you haven't sinned in this way, it's important to guard your heart against self-righteousness. God calls us not only to pure actions, but to a pure life that flows out of a heart rightly set on Him (Proverbs 4:23). In the end, chastity should be motivated not by what we'll get from it, but by our love for God (John 14:15). Obedience is its own reward. And it's the best defense against self-righteousness.

Mercifully, God's redemptive power is strong enough to bring beauty in marriage out of the ashes of sexual brokenness on the part of one or both of you. It's redemption is worth waiting for.

Candice Watters is the founder of Boundless.org and author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen (Moody) and co-author with her husband, Steve, of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies.

Several years ago, I was dating a man who actively pursued me for marriage. Just around the time that I warmed up to the idea of marrying him, he changed his mind, and in my opinion was very insensitive about the whole situation . . . I've worked to forgive him, but when I let go of my anger toward him, my mind just drifts to wanting the dating relationship back.

This is all complicated by the fact that he has recently been trying to contact me. Usually after he contacts me, I end up daydreaming about marrying him—though he never mentions marriage and has said that he no longer has romantic feelings for me. My problem is that I don't know how to interact with him as a "friend" and keep my heart in the right place.

More recently, I've been spending time with a different man. For much of January and all of February we have gone out nearly every weekend, and he called me regularly. Then, he admitted to me that he is still somewhat involved with his ex-girlfriend—a woman he had considered marrying—and he is deliberating whether that relationship can/should be salvaged.

So—I severed the relationship with him as well. He would still like to go out and have a "friendly" relationship—but I don't want to do that—for two reasons. (1) I am looking/hoping/praying for a husband, and I don't think that hanging out with men who are not free for marriage is the way to get a husband—and (2) I honestly don't know how to keep my feelings at bay when interacting with a guy that I can seriously consider as husband material.

In the case of this most recent guy, we really did have a friendly relationship—it wasn't overtly romantic, but he is definitely someone I could consider as a husband. He wants to continue to spend time with me, and there is a part of me that would like to spend time with him. Moreover, it seems like a shame that I'm missing out on his friendship and companionship simply because I can't keep my feelings toward him in the appropriate space for "friends."

I feel as if I am right to limit my contact with these men considering my runaway emotions and lack of ability to interact well in that fuzzy space between "just friends" and "committed romantic relationship." Still, I just feel like my runaway emotions are keeping me from having two friends. What should I do?

REPLY

My inbox is full this week of letters from women like you wondering how they can hold on to their good friendships with men who've recently let it be known that friendship is all they're looking for. I can understand your desire to still spend time with one or both of these friends because up till now, they've filled an important role in your life.

By the time I "pulled a Ruth" on Steve, our friendship was intense. We spent time together daily and talked about all the most important and interesting things in our lives. We shared dreams about the future, prayed together and encouraged one another. It would have seemed impossible to walk away from all that.

But if he had responded to my "define the relationship" talk with, "I don't want anything more; just friendship," I would have had to walk away. Why? Because what I wanted even more than friendship was marriage. And I knew that if I kept nurturing our relationship, in a situation where he didn't want it to move beyond friendship, I would have given my best to something that was, in the end, a dead end.

Friendship is great. It can be a strong foundation for a romantic relationship. I even talk in Get Married about how women often overlook men in the "just friends" category as potential husbands. But if a friendship has stopped progressing from "just friends" to something more—especially if that male friend has come right out and said he does not want anything more (read: romantic)—then at that point, the friendship can go from promising to poisoning.

What does it poison? Opportunities for marriage to someone else.

The temptation is to hold on to the friendship, agreeing that it won't ever become anything more, even when you secretly hope it will. Why? Because it's hard to let a relationship you've invested so much in go. Because it means you'll have to start from scratch with someone else. Because it may mean some lonely weekends without a pal to hang around with. But it's worth it if it means you're staying on track for getting married someday. A pal is nice. But if you're called to marriage, a husband's better.

And I know from my own experience that when you spend all your time with your best male friend, it's highly unlikely that any other man will pursue a date with you. Whether he intends to, your male friend is in effect taking you out of circulation in the market of eligible women. He's also likely putting wear and tear on your heart. Both lack integrity and amount to defrauding you.

Again, he may not be doing all this on purpose, but regardless of his motives, the outcomes are the same: You're not in a good position to marry well.

And for your part, you're likely relating to him as you hope to relate to your husband someday. Even if your interactions remain physically platonic, it's unlikely that as a relationally-wired woman, you'll be able to keep from some level of emotional intimacy. And that's not a good thing.

In "Just Friends" Scott Croft wrote,

No matter how clearly one or both of you have defined what's happening as "just friends," your actions are constantly saying "I enjoy being with you and interacting with you in a way that suggests marriage (or at least romantic attraction)."

The simple reality (of which most people are aware, whether they admit it or not) is that in the vast majority of these types of relationships, one of the parties involved either began the "friendship" with romantic feelings for the other person or develops them along the way. Either way, that person is now hanging on to the "friendship" in the hope of getting something more despite the "clear words" from the other person that he or she wants nothing beyond friendship.

Maybe you are giving your emotions free reign. In that case, pray for stability and clear-headedness. But keep in mind that none of us interacts well in that fuzzy space. And that fuzzy space in your situation exists largely because the men in question are asking you to give them what they have no right to seek: namely, intimate friendship. What they desire is best had in the context of a loving, serving, godly marriage. They are selfish and sinful to seek it anywhere else. As are you.

Stop settling for a counterfeit with men who've already said clearly that they're not interested in you for marriage. Let those "friendships" go lest they block your progress toward marriage even further.

I pray God will embolden you to do so.

Blessings,
Candice Watters

Candice Watters is the co-author with Steve Watters of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies (Moody, January 2009) and author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen. Copyright 2009 Candice Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

I found myself intrigued, and maybe a little envious, of the confidence she exuded in regards to the protocols of dating. She wasn’t the type to be held hostage by her phone, waiting for the next call or text, nor was she opposed to initiating contact with a guy if she was interested in him. Wow, what had happened to the gender roles and rules of my era? Not wanting to seem too outdated or expose my generation gap, I nodded encouragingly and agreeably in an attempt to appear current with these trends. Suddenly and somehow, amidst the chaos and clatter that echoed throughout the Panera Bread, we found ourselves deeply engaged in the subject of choices and what motivates our dating decisions.

We discussed why, in dealing with members of the opposite sex, we often allow someone, based strictly on warm fuzzy feelings or physical attractions, to take our affection or steal our hearts away without making any real investments in us or toward the overall well-being of the relationship. These kinds of people simply take what they want, when they want it, yet our overwhelming desire to be with that person overshadows all sense of reason or rationale. Both guys and girls have been casualties of these types of romances, and those who are lucky can suffice in applying a bandage to their emotional scrapes. For others, however, the devastation can cut much deeper and their wounds require a lifetime of healing.

Because I was older, in typical parental know-it-all fashion, I reminded her that Proverbs 4:23 directs us to safeguard our heart because where it leads, our mind and body are destined to follow. I explained that our actions, both physical and spiritual, flow from our heart and that those intentions, either good or bad, chart our course throughout life. Because of this reality and for the sake of our long-term happiness, we need to ensure that our emotions aren’t easily led astray and that we seek someone who is willing to win our heart, not just steal it away. Having said that and after realizing that I sounded like the Brady Bunch mom, I ordered our desserts and we drifted off into recollecting the young girl I once knew.

Genuine joy comes from a real relationship with God. It is something all believers can and should know. The Bible is very clear joy comes from a hope and trust in Christ (1 Peter 1:7-9). With joy, we can glory in suffering. And suffering results in perseverance, character, and hope (Romans 5:1-5). There is a type of pleasure involved as well. It is not a temporary, worldly pleasure; it is an eternal pleasure (Psalm 16:11). We can rejoice knowing God gives us power over the forces of evil. However, a cause for even greater rejoicing is knowing our names are written in the Book of Life (Luke 10:20).

If you are a Christian, you are in a relationship. Christians are never single whether or not they have a human companion. I am NOT arguing against marriage—not at all. Marriage is a very good thing. Even more, it is a blessing from God. If you feel God leading you to marry, then do so. What I am saying is that personal joy and meaning should not be sought through relationships with other people. True joy is not found in these things alone. It is found only in God. The joy of that relationship will seep into our earthly relationships.

There are two timetables regarding marriage: The world’s and God’s. The world expects us to marry as soon as possible. They would have us believe there is no point to life without a significant other. God’s timetable is quite different. It is not hurried or desperate. On God’s timetable, we marry in His good time. It may be next year; it may be much later—it may even be never.

Keeping God’s timetable in mind, we need not worry about marriage. You can find meaning as a single person. There is no excuse not to do so as a Christian single. There is much you can do for God. Find peace in the fact that you are not married. There’s no reason to worry about it. In Luke 12:22-31 Jesus teaches the pointlessness of worrying. He gives the examples of ravens and lilies. They do nothing, yet God feeds and clothes them. God takes care of animals and flowers. Won’t He take care of His beloved children? Jesus urged them to seek the kingdom of God. Do that and don’t stress about everything else. With Jesus’ help, take joy in your singlicitude.