Beneficial Fear

Although fear is generally an unwelcome guest, there is a healthy fear that keeps us—at least most of us—from passing certain boundaries in life. Why? Because they involve consequences that just aren't worth risking. When I drive down the road, that yellow strip of paint that runs down the center keeps me from hogging both lanes. The fear of being hit by oncoming traffic is a good fear that keeps me safely on my side of the road. In this case, fear is somewhat of a road block (no pun intended) that keeps me from possible danger. More often, however, it prevents any action, good or bad.

Debilitating Fear

Fear is an unwelcome visitor that attempts to paralyze its victim at his or her most vulnerable moments. It often attacks our minds with a bunch of "what if" scenarios. What if I fail? What if I never get married? What if I don't pass this test? What if something bad happens to me? What if, what if, what if?! We could list a million "what if" scenarios that have run through our minds in just the past day, and if we dwell on them long enough, we may actually believe they are destined to happen.

Fear is definitely a deception. It doesn't have any real power behind it other than the feeling it triggers inside. It causes us to believe something that generally is not true and never will be. It ruffles our feathers and stirs the pot with only a thought. The more we dwell on the "what if," the stronger fear's grip on us becomes until we yield under the power of it and become its slave. What may be a fleeting thought to begin with can easily become an enormous dilemma when we allow fear to toy with our thoughts.

Dealing With Fear

Despite my struggle to keep the unhealthy fear at bay, I often fail miserably. I wish I could just make my fears magically disappear and never deal with them again. But that would be too easy, and I wouldn't learn anything about trusting God along the way. When I was a child, I had a small wooden plaque that hung on my bedroom wall which read, "At times that I'm afraid, I will trust in God." At night, while lying alone in the quiet darkness of my bedroom, when fear often gripped me, I found great comfort in that short phrase.

In Isaiah we read, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee" (26:3, KJV). After being reminded of this passage, I know that it's God's will for me to be at peace in my mind, and anything less would be disastrous! Now if I could only learn to keep my mind focused and my heart trusting in Him, I know the "what ifs" behind my fears will not seem so big after all. 

Naomi Cassata has been married to her husband James for 6 years. They live in Florida. She has been writing articles for about 5 years.

I had always heard the first year of marriage was supposed to be the most difficult. The blending of two lives during that tender year was not easy, I was told; but being naive and in love, those words went in one ear and out the other. When our first year of marriage was rounding up, I thought back on how easy "the most difficult year" was for us—not anything like I was told. We enjoyed being together every second we could and conflicts were nowhere to be found. The first year, a difficult one? I couldn't make out what others were talking about. I guess our love must be stronger than most couples in their first year, I began to think.

With our first successful year tucked under our belt, we were just as eager to take on our second year with the same love and zeal as our first.

CHANGE WILL COME

I'm not sure exactly when things began to change, but not long into our second year, our perfect marriage didn't feel so perfect anymore. Valentine's Day was supposed to be the day we celebrated our love for each other. The fact that my dear husband forgot about such a special day didn't sit well with me at all. After confronting him, he sprinted to our local grocery store, and with all the thoughtfulness he could possibly muster in such a short amount of time, he brought back a tiny stuffed toy and a box of cheap chocolates—not exactly what I had in mind for a romantic evening together. Then there was the time James came home after a long day at work to find our house in total chaos with my three nieces running around like monkeys. I personally didn't see the problem; I enjoyed the noise and excitement, but by the look on his face I could see he disagreed. These weren't the only incidents that pushed our buttons. What were once small annoyances seemed to grow into big ones. Things had definitely changed. No one ever warned me about the second year of marriage, I pouted.

STAYING FAITHFUL TO YOUR COMMITMENT

Despite our share of fights, frustrations and those, yes I'm going to say it, "What was I thinking when I married this person?" occasions, we have celebrated six and a half challenging and yet still happy years of marriage together. During those moments when we let each other down or didn't meet one another's expectations, what we have learned is the importance behind the commitment we vowed to each other on our wedding day— despite how we "feel" at the moment.

Now a day it seems marriage has lost its sacredness. Sadly, it's not always guarded as precious to those that find it.

When I think back to the six weeks of pre-marital counseling we took with our pastor, I really cannot think back to one specific lesson that encouraged us to get through the tough times we have faced. I heard a little about finances, a bit more about sex and a whole lot about future goals. The not-so-pleasant areas of marriage were never touched upon, and obviously any advice on getting through them was nowhere to be found.

In our society, we have unfortunately come to believe that when we are upset, disappointed, or let down by our partner, it's time to call it quits. Momentary unhappiness has become grounds for divorce for many couples. Working through conflicts isn't worth it anymore, so finding "their own happiness" apart from their spouse then becomes the focus. Our marriage vows, which are meant to be an unconditional "promise, oath, declaration" to both our spouse and God, become pearls cast before swine.

No one said marriage would be easy. In fact, marriage is pretty hard at times. It's during the difficult times that we have a decision to make. Will we grow apart? Or will we grow closer to each other? We are told that love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7, NKJV). Love for our spouse should be enduring. Our actions, during the hard times, are a reflection of the depths of our love for our spouse as well as our commitment to God's Word. Our goal, as a couple, should be to get through all the difficulties we face—no matter the cost!

Marriage has been twisted, complicated, and devalued through the ages. In the face of a generation that fails to recognize God's value on marriage, we can easily miss it ourselves. Marriage was orchestrated—by our Creator—long ago to be a beautiful, lifelong commitment between a man and a woman for the purpose of companionship as well as a means for sexual expression.

The purpose of marriage is not for the other person to make you feel "wonderful" at all times, yet more importantly, it's about giving respect, love, and commitment to the one we chose to spend all the days of our life with.

Naomi Cassata has been married to her husband James for 6 years. They live in Florida. She has been writing articles for about 5 years.

What We Learned About Relationships As Teenagers

Teen dating seems like a normal part of our adolescent years; despite the fact, it is fleeting and, most of all, lacks commitment. In youth group, I learned two things you need before entering a relationship: (1) Only date someone who is likeminded in my Christian beliefs based on 2 Corinthians 6:14 about not being "unequally yoked," and (2) Don't have sex before marriage. As long as you followed those rules, you had the makings of a God-ordained relationship, so I was taught. I'm not saying these are bad principles to live by. How can they, when they are Bible-based?

The thing that bothers me is we never heard about the heartbreak that happens after the relationship ends or dealing with the rejection that looms over us afterwards. The matter of the fact is, minus a very small percentage, the majority of teen relationships just don't last—and rightly so; they aren't meant to. Most teens go into relationships with innocent intentions. The guy or girl is cute or they like his or her personality. Having someone to eat lunch with or go to the prom with is usually the extent of the commitment. For junior high and senior high students, marriage is far from the brain.    

My best friend in high school had a boyfriend for a couple of months, whom she broke up with because she found her "true love" elsewhere. Due to immaturity on both their parts, this relationship also ended a few months later.

If I could influence the life of a young person, I wouldn't coach him or her on how to find the right guy or girl, but instead I would ask, "Are you ready to pursue godly marriage?" If they were completely honest, ninety-nine percent of the time, the answer would be an absolute "No!"

The Sole Purpose of Relationships

In my younger days, I used to think the purpose of dating was for "fun and excitement." I mean, who wants to be home every weekend, all alone, watching reruns of Full House? Not I! Consequently, this type of thinking can often be found in those that have no intentions for committing themselves to another in order to lead into marriage. Instead, dating is merely a socially entertaining (often with physical benefits) type of relationship. And the best part, there are "no strings attached." When that relationship gets dull, they quickly move on to someone who reignites all those feelings in them once again. 

Passing through my college years and upper 20s, I've seen my share of the "teen dating" mindset between couples. You've seen them, or maybe you have been a victim of them yourself. One member is generally not willing to fully commit to the other; she wants the cake, but isn't willing to pay for it. They can be compared to someone browsing the delicious delicacies at the local bakery: chocolate éclairs, jam-filled donuts, moist chocolate cake all in a row. They all look wonderful and delicious with too many to choose from. Sitting down to take a bite out of one, and then not willing to pay for it, is like the person who wants the taste, enjoyment, and satisfaction of the moment but without the commitment to pay for it. Once they finish with one item and the enjoyment is gone, they move on to the next item that will bring them enjoyment. In the end, someone's heart always ends up broken, and the glory of the relationship goes to someone other than God.

The sole purpose of entering a relationship is to lead up to marriage. If you're not ready spiritually, emotionally, or financially, you are wasting your time.

The Bible has a lot to say about love relationships, but it is geared toward marriage covenant relationships. Why? Because that's the way God intended relationships to be from the beginning—long-lasting and enduring. A mutual commitment, through marriage, is God's way of sealing a love relationship between a man and woman. Marriage relationships are meant to be lifelong commitments; therefore, throughout Scripture we are reminded of how to be faithful to that covenant. (Paul exhorts married couples in 1 Corinthians 7:10 to stay faithful to their vows; Hebrews 13:4 reminds the reader that the marriage bed is pure; and Ephesians 5:22-23 talks about husbands and wives walking in respect and love toward each other.) 

Dating multiple people for fun is a concept that is nowhere found in the Bible. In the book of Genesis, Chapter 2, we can take a peek at the first God-ordained love relationship. It gives us God's view on a man and woman coming together. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (verse 24). The point brought out here is for one man to be united with one woman and the two to become one flesh. This scripture leaves no room for seeking out multiple partners for short-term pleasure.

Seeking out short-term relationships for "our pleasure only," with no further intentions, will always end in broken promises and broken hearts, which is nothing different from our teenage days. No, marriage minded relationships aren't fool proof, and not all will end with "Happily Ever After." But when commitment is present, there is a greater chance of success in moving toward marriage.   

If you are marriage-minded material, finding someone who is mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and financially ready for marriage should be the thing to consider.

Naomi Cassata has been married to her husband James for 6 years. They live in Florida. She has been writing articles for about 5 years.