It wasn't supposed to be like this, so bogged down with difficulty and lacking the relational intimacy that came so easily while they were dating. They were stunned. And on the fast track to becoming a shocking statistic: one-third of all American marriages end in divorce before the fifth anniversary.

Why is that number so high? Couples in trouble tend to think there are only two options—get divorced or be miserable for the rest of their lives. Thankfully that's a false choice. There's a lesser known stat that shows a third option, one that is far better than those two: among married couples that were on the brink of divorce, those that stuck it out and stayed married were happier five years later, than those that went through with the divorce.

According to the American Values survey, "Does Divorce Make People Happy," the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds. Those couples who rated their marriages as very unhappy, eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

As conditioned by culture as we are, we often think that when a marriage is down, the only course is to throw in the towel. But the people in this study show the opposite is true. Those who stick it out are happier than those who give up.

Is it possible to avoid getting to that very low spot? Often it is. Not every couple experiences it. But when it does hit, that shell-shocked feeling tends to come from our own unrealistic expectations of what marriage will be like. Instead of turning to Scripture for our cues about the sacrificial love and respect required when two fallen people vow to spend the rest of their lives together, whatever may come (Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, 1 Corinthians 7:28, James 3:2), we get sucked into thinking what we see on TV and film—the effortless fantasy—is reality.

This isn't to say marriage is all hard work and disappointment. But it is a crucible God uses to make us more like Him. It's a soul-shaping adventure that flourishes when both husband and wife lay down their lives for the other. As Jesus warned us, trouble is inevitable. Thankfully, divorce isn't. Nor is a duct-taped relationship barely making it the best we can hope for. When divorce isn't an option, couples live out their commitment differently. More intensely and intentionally. And it's there, in the living out of marital vows, that fulfillment and happiness can be found.

Candice is the author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen, founder of Boundless.org, and editor-at-large of MarryWell.org. She and her husband Steve co-authored Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies. They have four children.

It's not the presence of past sin that is a deal-breaker, but how it was and is being dealt with. In Psalm 25:6-8, David prayed, "Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord."

Did your boyfriend have sex before he became a believer; or if after, has he grieved the harm of his disobedience and turned away from it? Such are the marks of the kind of repentance David modeled. Not just feeling sorry for sin, but running away from it (1 Corinthians 6:17-19, 10:12-14). And not just running away from opportunities for sexual sin, but also getting help from other, more mature believers. Neither of you should be going it alone.

Second Timothy 2:2 says, "Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart" (emphasis added). This Scripture holds the key to freedom from past sin: flee, and seek out pastors, parents and mentors who have pure hearts and are willing to do the hard work of walking with you—both the one who sinned sexually, and the one who is hurt by the sin.

James reminds us "We all stumble in many ways" 3:2. What matters is how we deal with sin. What is his conduct now? Is it marked by the self-control that is evidence of the Holy Spirit's presence in his life, or is he pressuring you to have sex? That would be a red flag worthy of ending the relationship.

If you've discovered past sexual sin, ask, is he/she pursuing Christ; repentant; running from past sin, including setting up safeguards for future temptation? What evidence is there of Christ's redemption and transformation?

If you haven't sinned in this way, it's important to guard your heart against self-righteousness. God calls us not only to pure actions, but to a pure life that flows out of a heart rightly set on Him (Proverbs 4:23). In the end, chastity should be motivated not by what we'll get from it, but by our love for God (John 14:15). Obedience is its own reward. And it's the best defense against self-righteousness.

Mercifully, God's redemptive power is strong enough to bring beauty in marriage out of the ashes of sexual brokenness on the part of one or both of you. It's redemption is worth waiting for.

Candice Watters is the founder of Boundless.org and author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen (Moody) and co-author with her husband, Steve, of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies.

When I was 21, a friend of mine got a group of us together and challenged us to write a list of 25 things we wanted to do in our lifetime. I've been dreaming about the future for a long time. Oddly, now that the "future" is here, I can barely remember most of what was on that list.

A few things still come to mind though: Take a hot air balloon ride, buy and refurbish an old house, start my own business, and write a book. It's clear a lot of the things on my list were what I wished for at the time, not what I really thought I could, or should, do. But not everything fell into that category. That last one—write a book—stuck with me. It was something I really wanted to do, or at least be able to say that I did. I'm not sure I believed then that I had what it takes to actually write a whole book—I lacked the persistence, the know-how and most importantly, the idea. What did I have to say that warranted 200 pages? But the concept intrigued me.

I think a lot of people make lists like that. There's even a Web site—mydream.tv—that catalogs people's dreams. Things like "tour Europe by car, invent something to improve the world, climb a major mountain, open my own restaurant, adopt a child, live a healthy life" and so on.

What are your dreams? Have you ever been in a classroom, a church service, a walk in the woods, or your quiet time and had a strong sense of His leading to pursue something bold? Have you had that distinct impression that tells you "this is what I was created to do"?

Dreams are powerful motivators. They inspire us to take risks, to push beyond our limits and to keep trying when we fail. And failure is no small part of the process of achieving dreams. But you have to be willing to let it shape you.

Like Joseph, the famous Old Testament dreamer, I had a lot of lessons to learn before any of my dreams could start coming true.

Joseph the Faithful Dreamer

"Listen to this dream I had," Joseph said to his brothers and then proceeded to tell them about his dream that implied he would rule over them one day. Needless to say, they didn't rally around his dream. Hardly. They tried to kill him. Only a sudden opportunity to sell him into slavery stayed their hand. Joseph wound up a servant in Potiphar's house.

When you already know how the story ends, it's easy to miss this point: Joseph was the favorite son of a rich and set-apart patriarch. No doubt he'd heard Jacob tell how God had singled their family out to become a great nation. I imagine Jacob lavished praise on Joseph, indulging his own dreams, "My favorite son, you will be the father of this great nation." And now Joseph was in bondage, far from his adoring father, forced to do work in a pagan land. He had every right and plenty of opportunity to be sullen, bitter and vengeful. He didn't know if he'd ever get out of Potiphar's house. He probably thought he'd never see his friends or family again. As far as he could tell, his life was over. Yet he was faithful.

Through his faithfulness, Joseph gained a trusted position in Potiphar's house. But this wasn't his dream. And it didn't last long anyway, because Potiphar's wife—failing to tempt Joseph into bed—falsely accused him, causing him to end up prison.

Even though Joseph did the right thing, prison was a step backwards. But he was still faithful. Of course, being the go-to guy in a prison wasn't Joseph's dream, but it was the assignment at hand in which to be faithful. While in prison, Joseph interpreted a dream for the Pharaoh's cupbearer, foretelling his imminent release and return to high service. The cupbearer promised he would remember Joseph. But he didn't. That happens. You can be faithful and still have peers and supervisors fail to do their part.

Two years passed while Joseph faithfully served in the prison. Eventually, the Pharaoh had a dream no one could interpret—and the cupbearer remembered Joseph.

God gave Joseph the interpretation and his insight on the years of famine ahead prompted the Pharaoh to elevate him all the way to second place in the kingdom. This was an unbelievable reversal of fortune for someone who had been languishing in prison. But this wasn't Joseph's dream. Even though he had a great title, wealth, and public honor, that wasn't God's ultimate plan.

This is key to remember because titles, wealth, and public honor can be a major distraction as we follow the dreams God gives us. Keeping in mind how much one richly ornamented jacket went to Joseph's head back when he was a kid, it's not hard to imagine him squandering such riches had he not endured the breaking and refining of his life in captivity. Without the daily tests of his character he'd endured, Joseph probably wouldn't have been much use to Pharaoh, the nation of Israel, or the future Messiah.

Faithful in Little

Where are you in the process of achieving your dreams? It would be nice if we could know in the moment that this painful rejection, that embarrassing failure, this boring and tedious assignment, that overlooked accomplishment, are all part of God's grand plan. But we can't. At the time those things happen, it doesn't feel at all like preparation for something big. It just feels awful. What we can do is follow the modeling of Joseph: keep dreaming and be faithful in little.

In the parable of the talents, Jesus praises the man who received two talents and the one with five. Both took efforts to multiply what they had been given, and about them their master said, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"

Faithfulness today with whatever you currently have to work with is the path God calls you to take. How you do with a little responsibility will affect how much more responsibility you'll get. That goes for the job you're in right now, as well as for any internship, mission trip, volunteer work, or freelance assignment you might take on. If you'll handle each responsibility by faithfully meeting needs and doing your work as unto God, He will faithfully guide you to the next step along the way to realizing the dream He placed in you.

There were times when I was still learning how to write professionally that rejection was almost more than I could bear. I'd get another "no" or "not yet" from a potential publisher and walk away from the keyboard with thoughts of not returning.

Writing is hard work. To hear that what you've written isn't good enough is deeply personal. It's in those moments that I had to decide: give it up for something easier or press on. But every time I went back to the computer, hit the delete key and started over, the results were better than before. It was always worth the extra work.

The lesson: Be faithful in the little things and bigger things will follow. The hard work of writing has been well worth the process. That dream I had of writing a book? It's finally coming true, 16 years later. My first book will be released in January.

And now for that hot air balloon ride....

Candice Watters is the author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen (www.helpgetmarried.com) and founder of Boundless.org (www.boundless.org).

Copyright 2009 Candice Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

Several years ago, I was dating a man who actively pursued me for marriage. Just around the time that I warmed up to the idea of marrying him, he changed his mind, and in my opinion was very insensitive about the whole situation . . . I've worked to forgive him, but when I let go of my anger toward him, my mind just drifts to wanting the dating relationship back.

This is all complicated by the fact that he has recently been trying to contact me. Usually after he contacts me, I end up daydreaming about marrying him—though he never mentions marriage and has said that he no longer has romantic feelings for me. My problem is that I don't know how to interact with him as a "friend" and keep my heart in the right place.

More recently, I've been spending time with a different man. For much of January and all of February we have gone out nearly every weekend, and he called me regularly. Then, he admitted to me that he is still somewhat involved with his ex-girlfriend—a woman he had considered marrying—and he is deliberating whether that relationship can/should be salvaged.

So—I severed the relationship with him as well. He would still like to go out and have a "friendly" relationship—but I don't want to do that—for two reasons. (1) I am looking/hoping/praying for a husband, and I don't think that hanging out with men who are not free for marriage is the way to get a husband—and (2) I honestly don't know how to keep my feelings at bay when interacting with a guy that I can seriously consider as husband material.

In the case of this most recent guy, we really did have a friendly relationship—it wasn't overtly romantic, but he is definitely someone I could consider as a husband. He wants to continue to spend time with me, and there is a part of me that would like to spend time with him. Moreover, it seems like a shame that I'm missing out on his friendship and companionship simply because I can't keep my feelings toward him in the appropriate space for "friends."

I feel as if I am right to limit my contact with these men considering my runaway emotions and lack of ability to interact well in that fuzzy space between "just friends" and "committed romantic relationship." Still, I just feel like my runaway emotions are keeping me from having two friends. What should I do?

REPLY

My inbox is full this week of letters from women like you wondering how they can hold on to their good friendships with men who've recently let it be known that friendship is all they're looking for. I can understand your desire to still spend time with one or both of these friends because up till now, they've filled an important role in your life.

By the time I "pulled a Ruth" on Steve, our friendship was intense. We spent time together daily and talked about all the most important and interesting things in our lives. We shared dreams about the future, prayed together and encouraged one another. It would have seemed impossible to walk away from all that.

But if he had responded to my "define the relationship" talk with, "I don't want anything more; just friendship," I would have had to walk away. Why? Because what I wanted even more than friendship was marriage. And I knew that if I kept nurturing our relationship, in a situation where he didn't want it to move beyond friendship, I would have given my best to something that was, in the end, a dead end.

Friendship is great. It can be a strong foundation for a romantic relationship. I even talk in Get Married about how women often overlook men in the "just friends" category as potential husbands. But if a friendship has stopped progressing from "just friends" to something more—especially if that male friend has come right out and said he does not want anything more (read: romantic)—then at that point, the friendship can go from promising to poisoning.

What does it poison? Opportunities for marriage to someone else.

The temptation is to hold on to the friendship, agreeing that it won't ever become anything more, even when you secretly hope it will. Why? Because it's hard to let a relationship you've invested so much in go. Because it means you'll have to start from scratch with someone else. Because it may mean some lonely weekends without a pal to hang around with. But it's worth it if it means you're staying on track for getting married someday. A pal is nice. But if you're called to marriage, a husband's better.

And I know from my own experience that when you spend all your time with your best male friend, it's highly unlikely that any other man will pursue a date with you. Whether he intends to, your male friend is in effect taking you out of circulation in the market of eligible women. He's also likely putting wear and tear on your heart. Both lack integrity and amount to defrauding you.

Again, he may not be doing all this on purpose, but regardless of his motives, the outcomes are the same: You're not in a good position to marry well.

And for your part, you're likely relating to him as you hope to relate to your husband someday. Even if your interactions remain physically platonic, it's unlikely that as a relationally-wired woman, you'll be able to keep from some level of emotional intimacy. And that's not a good thing.

In "Just Friends" Scott Croft wrote,

No matter how clearly one or both of you have defined what's happening as "just friends," your actions are constantly saying "I enjoy being with you and interacting with you in a way that suggests marriage (or at least romantic attraction)."

The simple reality (of which most people are aware, whether they admit it or not) is that in the vast majority of these types of relationships, one of the parties involved either began the "friendship" with romantic feelings for the other person or develops them along the way. Either way, that person is now hanging on to the "friendship" in the hope of getting something more despite the "clear words" from the other person that he or she wants nothing beyond friendship.

Maybe you are giving your emotions free reign. In that case, pray for stability and clear-headedness. But keep in mind that none of us interacts well in that fuzzy space. And that fuzzy space in your situation exists largely because the men in question are asking you to give them what they have no right to seek: namely, intimate friendship. What they desire is best had in the context of a loving, serving, godly marriage. They are selfish and sinful to seek it anywhere else. As are you.

Stop settling for a counterfeit with men who've already said clearly that they're not interested in you for marriage. Let those "friendships" go lest they block your progress toward marriage even further.

I pray God will embolden you to do so.

Blessings,
Candice Watters

Candice Watters is the co-author with Steve Watters of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies (Moody, January 2009) and author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen. Copyright 2009 Candice Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.